All signs point to me being washed up. My brain thinks it; my body screams it; and my heart feels it. I haven’t had a noteworthy athletic accomplishment in 12 years. To look at me right now you wouldn’t necessarily know it because I’m 11% bodyfat and move reasonably well, but my last 2 hard workouts tell a different story. They involved running stairs 3 days ago and running 200m “sprints” today at the track (sprints is in quotes because it was the speed of my old warm-ups). Both days my legs turned to concrete as my heart thumped through my chest. I’ve tallied 100’s of objectively harder workouts and never felt that feeling in my legs before.
As I walked around in disbelief (thinking that the previous workout was a fluke and I would magically gain back some type of baseline conditioning) the voice of doubt resonated through every fiber of my being. I was defeated. The pattern is repeating. At 19 I was the #1 starter for my college baseball team and threw a 2 hit shut-out to become the school’s first ever conference pitcher of the week. My love for the game and ambition to improve quickly fizzled and I quit the sport I grew up loving while dropping out of college. I became very depressed but turned to my love of fitness. Fast forward and I’ve been a trainer/business owner for a decade, graduated college, and am nearing the end of my first year of PT school.
In that decade I became very fit. I was a machine that could run a 17:00 5k, deadlift 465# (@160), and do handstand push-ups on just my thumbs. I climbed semi-near the top of the fitness mountain, just as I had climbed the ranks of competitive baseball until burning out and not giving a shit.
My goal in life is to help individuals suffering from chronic pain (hence being back in PT school). I have no problem committing to work when it’s to benefit others, but I inevitaly burn-out on my “goals” that I perceive as selfish. That’s why I have a successful business with successful clients and a fiance that is quite frankly beyond anyone I pictured being with in every way possible. Because I can focus on others.
So I know my long term goals are to be a great husband and father, and to help people with painful conditions that others have given up on. That’s who I’m going to be.
Then there’s what I perceive as mediocrity. I’m washed up. Every fiber of my being tells me I’m physically washed up and should probably just try to stay generally healthy. Then my soul whispers to me “keep going,” and I know that I’m not done quite yet.